Saturday 24 May 2014

Chipped Paint

When the fight was over;
his anger faded to tiredness,
he spoke.


“Anything you want?”


The question hung in the air between them,
heavy and humid,
like the hot sticky night.


She stayed silent.
Reaching out and pulling his arm around her shoulder;
forcing his chest against the length of her back.


She lay like that for several moments,
in his arms feeling each bead of sweat that formed between them
where their skin touched.


Forced calm breathing hid the fat hot tears that tumbled down her face
pooling on the pillow.


Then finally
and just a shade above a whisper
she made her response into the calm dark night.


“I want you to hold me, as if you love me.
Pretend that you’re happy to be here
with me in your arms,
for but a minute.
Because I know in my heart that at some point
you have loved me.
And maybe one day
you might again”


Her voice faded into nothing
and they lay like that for a time.


He snored, low and quiet, and the weight of his arm around her became intolerable.


She sought her own little portion of the bed
taking care not to wake him.


A loneliness
so vast
so deep
took over her consciousness.


She remained staring
numbly upwards
until the first rays of the sun peered through the window slats;
illuminating the ceiling’s chipped paint.


Thursday 21 November 2013

Short Story Teaser (Unedited)


Lyssia was five years old.  She had bright, mischievous eyes and was quick to anger, as well as to laugh.  She was naturally strong willed and inquisitive which, coupled with the fact that her father was wealthy and indulgent, made Lyssia somewhat of a difficult child.  She could be sweet as candy, or as ornery as a badger if the mood struck her.  Her moods were wont to change with the quickness of a breath, and she could go from kicking and raging to docile and cooing when allowed whichever thing was currently her fancy.  Lyssia was not a bad child, but certainly spoiled, and in need of firm yet gentle guidance.  Which is why it was such a shame that she had been born to Odette. 

***

Odette was a front-lines nurse during the war, where she first met Henry.   He ended up in the hospital with the bottom half of his leg blown off after stepping on a land-mine.  At first she found him rather tiresome.  Despite the pain so evident in his eyes, as well as the sweat on his brow, he refused to complain.  Often, Henry wouldn’t take anything to ease his suffering, saying that there were others who needed it more than himself.  Odette was a pragmatist and so had trouble believing that his concern for the welfare of his fellow soldiers was anything more than bravado.  She changed his dressings with precision and swiftness before moving on to her next charge; no emotion showing on her delicately featured face.  In her heart Odette felt that war was a nothing more than a messy version of little boys playing at heroes.  Whoever the victor, the history books would reflect their righteous reasons for its pursuit.  At day’s end her job as a nurse kept her clothed and fed and gave her a modicum of satisfaction for she was skillful at it.  The fact that she took no joy in her livelihood was of little consequence. 

Henry’s recovery was long and slow; the only break in the tedium was when he was tended by his pearl skinned, ebony haired nurse.  There were a few who had charge of his care, but he lived for the times when her pale, slender hands were the ones that deftly saw to his wounds.  Many of the nurses were buxom, many more were chatty, and a few were more traditionally beautiful.  The other soldiers, recovering from various degrees of damage, tended to focus their attention on ones such as these.  The nurses would titter, not out of earshot, that you could tell the ones who would soon be recovered by their propensity to flirt, or pinch a nearby bum.  Henry was much less overt in his attention, all of which was reserved for Odette.  He would follow her movements around the room with his eyes; unabashedly watching her perform her duties.  Studying every nuance of her movement as though it might reveal something of her true nature.  That, above all, was most appealing to him, the slight air of aloofness and mystery with which Odette conducted herself.  Had she ever chanced to look him in the eyes she may have known how he felt, but she did not, and eventually he was discharged from the hospital. 

It was half a decade before Henry and Odette met again, by chance.  The only thing of note with the time that passed was that while Odette’s life continued on down the well-trodden road of mediocrity, Henry (now a decorated war hero) used his skill in business and negotiation to become exceptionally wealthy.

***

 When her job became less vital after the war, Odette moved on to work as a typist.  The pay was slightly less, the tedium vastly more.  Still, it afforded her the ability to rent a room from a squat Ukrainian woman who ensured she ate regularly.  If the truth were told, the food was terrible, and the accommodation spare and cold.  The impetus behind Odette accepting the room was the fat, tortoise shell cat with which she shared the space. 

Of all the creatures of the Earth, Odette loved cats the most.  She had done, since she was very small.   One of her earliest memories was of spending hours in the musty barn loft playing with a litter of freshly weaned kittens.  It was one of but a few precious moments she looked back on with fondness, and she held it locked deeply within her heart.  Odette’s father, a widower, was a poor farmer at best; largely due to his fondness for the bottle.  It was he who had insisted on drowning the kittens once they were discovered.  The idea of this was more than young Odette could bear, but she had learned early that crossing her father would leave her bloodied and bruised, and in the end he would still have his way.  She did, however, manage to sneak away one tiny white and orange kitten before the rest were roughly placed in a potato sack and forced to perish in the creek.  The devastation of the situation was well tempered by the survival of this one perfect creature, who she named Una. 

Though stealthy to a fault at first, the longer Miss Una went undiscovered the bolder and more careless Odette became.  Her father, in general paid her very little mind, and Odette had not yet reached the age where her developing womanhood became of great interest to him.  On the whole, it was easy for her to sneak away to spend time with her treasure.  The day that all changed, Odette’s father had been gambling in town.  He did this often and generally stayed until well after sundown.  On this particular evening, he had been drinking moonshine, and had lost the little he had almost before he had played it.  He returned home just at dusk in a black and inebriated state.  Odette had made a toy for Una and they were absorbed in play on the uneven front steps of the house.  She had been giggling so hard at her little cat’s antics that she had failed to hear her father shambling up the dirt road towards the house.  When his shadow loomed (seemingly out of nowhere) over her, Odette froze.  A wide-eyed look of terror crossed her face, and her mouth opened without sound.  As her father’s cruel gaze honed in on the frisking kitten, adrenaline kicked in and Odette scooped the tiny cat up in her arms and cradled her protectively.  Glaring up at him with all the fury a child has ever mustered Odette said,

“Y’can’t drown ‘er papa.  Ye jes can’t!”  He sneered at her, and wove to the side a few steps as he lost his balance.  Then as he bent down and put his face near enough to hers that she could feel his reeking breath when he answered ,

“Naw Lord’ll know I cain’t drown the little feller.  Why that’d be down an’ right cru-el.” He swayed again before flashing her a smile that was like the grimace of the reaper himself.  “Course I cain’t have yeh disohbeyin’ me neether.” He winked, and as quick as a flash reached out towards the trembling ball of fur in her arms, snapping its tiny neck with the flick of his wrist.  He then stumbled up onto the porch, as though it was just an average interchange, before slamming into the screen door and cursing loudly.  A trail of harsh laughter floated outside before he was swallowed into the house, and the night was again silent. 

Odette sat down on the top step with a heavy thud and stared down uncomprehendingly at the now lifeless creature in her skinny arms.  Giant, painful tears welled up in her young eyes and rolled down her face with no sound.  Her dead cat’s eyes frozen in unseeing terror, Odette held Una until her body became cold and rigid; the final insult to a life so thoughtlessly extinguished.  It was from this point the Odette’s feeling for her father changed from fearful indifference to a deep and lasting hatred.  When he wasted away slowly in hospital, a great many years later, she attended his bedside but once; to ensure he was at last and finally, dead.  Una’s untimely death was solely his doing and she refused to associate her love of cats with this truly evil man.  They became somewhat god-like in the eyes of the young Odette, and ever after cats were representative of purity and joy.  Though she never again gave any cat a name for fear of tainting it by her blood ties to that unholy man who sired her. 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday 16 November 2013

Transported



Close your eyes, breathe deep and be transported.  

The scent of oil paint and turpentine permeate the scene.  Dusty canvass covers are thrown back from the easel to reveal a half finished painting, perfect in its imperfection.  The clinking of brushes in glass jars of turpentine, and the moist flowing sound of their paint-laden tips being caressed across a canvass.  The throaty laugh of a model who is stretched languidly across the threadbare pillows and blankets of the artist.  Leisurely she smokes a cigarette and looks out at the world from under expressive eyebrows and heavy lashes. 

 They stay that way for a while, involved together in a moment of truth; one the counterbalance to the other they are equal in measure.  But when they have finished for the day, and must return again to the mundane, she rises.  Standing strong, nude, and unabashed before him, her gaze is steady.  His eyes, on the other hand, dart about desperately looking for a safe spot to land, as color slowly creeps up his neck and turns his cheeks a deep rose pink.  This woman he tries to paint is wild and free and gloriously comfortable; there is something in her eyes and the set of her chin which he can't quite capture.  Their time for the day is done, and the exhibition is drawing near, he is exhausted and decides to head home to rest before another long day tomorrow.  

Sometime during the night, inspiration hits him like a locomotive.  He lights a lamp and begins painting like a man possessed.  He has painted her so many times and from so many different angles that the curves of her body all but live inside his paintbrush.  If he were honest with himself he would admit that he loved her.  Unwilling to render her on canvass unless able to fully capture the fierce magic dancing in her eyes, he takes a 180 degree turn away from his original idea and paints instead something never done before.  He works all night, stopping neither to eat nor drink; painting until his hand begins to cramp around the brush.  The sun more than breaks the horizon by the time he is satisfied.  He places one last loving stroke, and then, like a satiated lover, flops onto his bed and is asleep in mere moments.  


***
It isn't until the opening that he sees her again, and even there it is from a distance.  She drifts into the room wearing furs and jewels and is surrounded by the rich and powerful.  His eyes lock with her powerful gaze from across the room  and for one brief moment, the share a secret knowing.  The moment is broken when a portly banker comes over to him to congratulate him on the showing, and on all of his fine work.  The only thing which the elderly man questioned him about was why the work at the very end, which he figured appeared in a place to be showcased, was covered.  The artist explained that it was his favourite piece and would be revealed to all once everyone had looked around at the rest.  

Though it was only an hour, the time dragged agonisingly on for him.  The more the clock ticked, the more nervous he became.  Though many people came to congratulate him, or discuss the world of art at large, he was only half listening.  He followed her movements around the room, as she strode with purposeful grace from one piece to the next; stopping to talk with whoever she encountered.  

Finally, it was time for the reveal.  The artist wiped his clammy hands on his trousers and, once the crowd had quieted down sufficiently, gave a short speech whose words he could not have recalled the moment they left his mouth.  Then, with trembling hands, he reached for the satin cloth that covered his masterpiece.  Time stood still.  There were gasps and ahhh's of pleasure, applause from the crowd as they lauded him the next "big thing".  None of it mattered.  The only reaction he witnessed flowed from the painting's subject, his heart's own love.  She turned up her face to gaze out from underneath her heavily painted lashes and froze completely; one hand lifted as though to bring the cigarette it bore towards her mouth.  She remained like that, frozen in time, the look on her face revealing her mind off in some far location. 

 People began to leave, and the staff began to clean.  He stood beside her, not too near, and took in his painting; attempting to slow the beating of his heart.  She said nothing at all to him before she left, not a single word.  She simply turned towards him, as though trying to return from a deep trance, and looked up into his face.  He was afraid.  Afraid that if he didn't find what he sought in her face then it would all be for nought; afraid that he would see what he didn't dare dream, afraid he couldn't handle it.  When she finally reached out a gloved hand and delicately touched his elbow, he gazed down at her.  The look of wonder in her eyes told of unimaginable depth and beauty.  Her lips were parted and turned up into the gentlest of smiles.  But the thing that really struck him, what carried him through many hard times that were to come, was the single tear rolling unapologetically down her perfect cheek.  He felt he should say something to solidify the moment, but as he opened his mouth to speak she reached out her hand, laid one leather-clad finger against his lips, and shook her head.  Quickly she winked at him, and then turned smartly and strode out of the room on her little click-clack heels, leaving him standing there; alone with his masterpiece.








Wednesday 13 November 2013

The Birds and the Bees and Miss Moo


I had an interesting moment with my daughter (who is six) at bedtime tonight.  She was just about to drift off after having a mini Reiki treatment where we had gone over all the chakras, and their functions.  Especially curious about the Sacral chakra (governs procreation and feelings) she began to muse about how babies are made.  Like a good mother I fought my natural instinct to run from the room screaming “Not till you’re thirty!” and instead gazed down into her angelic face and asked, “Well sweets, where do you think babies come from?”  (Boo yeah!  Ball, back in her court.  No trauma for my kid). 
“Daisy” (who is her half-sister, and three years her senior) “told me that babies get born when a boy puts his privates into a girls privates.”  At this point I am clutching blanket and doing my best to keep a smile on my face despite my hyperventilation and newly discovered urge to strangle someone else’s child.  “Oh?” comes out of my mouth in four syllables, each an octave higher than the last.  “And what do you think about that?”  I visibly cringe as I await her answer in the dark. 
“That’s just dumb.”  She pronounces with finality.  “First you have to quit smoking and then the baby lives in an egg inside your tummy, but an egg with space, and maybe a part for the head any arms to stick out, so the baby isn’t bored.  But it can’t breathe in there so the baby holds its breath for a long time, and when it can’t hold its breath no more, then it’s born.”  Now to my credit I held a straight face through all of this, I didn’t even crack a cheeky grin.  Besides, you can probably imagine how I was awash in relief when I realized we weren’t quite at the age to have “that” talk. But to be honest, the part about quitting smoking was kind of hard to hear.  She has seen me try unsuccessfully to quit a number of times.  She is also very excited for a baby brother, and I tend to shoo the question away with a “Well mom has to stop smoking before she can have a baby”, so I understand her confusion. 
Now I’d like to be one of those proactive parents who doesn’t hide anything from their children, and in many ways I am very honest with her, more so than most.  This is just one of those subjects that causes me the greatest amount of personal grief and leaves me feeling unstable, no matter which route I take.  My opinions on my daughter(who is yet still a baby)’s sex life are dichotomous.  On one side of the coin, the mama-bear-rip-your-head-off-if-you-look-at-her-wrong side I want to caution her and tell her of STIs, and teenage pregnancy, and the heart-rending realization that you have been used and tossed aside like tissue.  Admittedly there is a part of me that wants her to wait until she really is thirty, in the hopes that I might discover early senility and have no idea that the deed has been done.  Of course, when you flip that coin, there is a reasonable and logical woman who wants her to experience the unbridled passion, intimacy, and heartbreaking beauty of sex.  Just not now.
The most difficult part of the whole thing, is knowing that the weight of responsibility for what she is told, and what she believes, is so much on myself.  There are “rules” for how to explain it or “ages” that kids should know what at, but at the end of the day, we are all unique, and I am flawed.  She will understand the world, and all it has to offer, in her own distinctive way.  She will sample from the plate of life, uninhibited and free.  She will fall, and be hurt, and learn the deepest of lessons, whether I will it, or no.  The only inarguable thing I can hope to really teach her is that there will always be a safe spot for her, here, in my arms. 
Now this musing occurred rather more quickly in my own head, and she still hadn’t dropped the subject of making babies when she asked if we had a little box inside us for the egg.  Taking the direct approach, I explained that we had something called a uterus inside us with two delicate tubes leading to the eggs.  Once an egg had a seed (blessedly there were no questions regarding the origin of the seed) it grew inside of the uterus, which stretched and grew right along with the baby.  “Oh” says she, “And then when the baby needs to breathe it comes out! Right mom?” I answered in the affirmative and then did something for which I have no explanation.  I should have simply kissed her forehead and bid my darling a good night.  But no, I just had to open my mouth and ask the question whose answer still makes my head spin.  “And do you know how the baby comes out?” I nonchalantly say to my child.  Doesn’t seem so bad, really, except that you have offered your dear little child the opportunity to say ANYTHING, which means that anything is what you must be prepared for.  “Of course” she says, rolling her eyes as though I am a little slow, “The baby either bursts out of the mom’s belly button, with all of her organs and stuff (but the mommy gets frozen so she doesn’t feel it) or she can have it na’chrul and the mom just has to poop the baby out her butt.”  Needless to say, I spent several moments blinking dumbly at my little angel, and attempting to form words with a talker which was no longer connected to my thinker.  I managed to get her tucked snugly off to dreamland, but here I sit wrapped in a blanket, hot cup of tea in hand, gently rocking back and forth in an effort to soothe the shattered remains of the fairy tale of her in my mind.  I have decided that I am simply going to pray that it will be some time before this naturally awkward conversation comes up again and also that I will have discovered some better methods, or just be ludicrously drunk when it happens.   

The Fray


So I’m sitting in traffic, awaiting the green light of forward progress, when it begins.  I feel my breath become shallow, my hands start to shake, and my vision becomes slightly blurred.  As my whole body tenses up, like a cat about to spring before it realizes it is trapped in a box, I know what is boiling up inside of me.  I am about to have a full blown panic attack.  “Oh god” I think, “Not here.  Not now.”  My destination, if I make it there, is a PTA meeting.  I am the secretary, and as such, am somewhat essential to the cause. Desperately, I attempt to focus on what my therapist’s instructions were for moments like these.  Try sitting up straight and planting your feet firmly on the floor.  Well, beneath one of my feet is the accelerator, so clearly this is not the time for such behaviour.  Breathe slowly and deeply to avoid hyperventilating.  I can breathe about as calmly as if I were attempting to outrun a mountain lion, so that’s out too.  Focus your attention on the things around you that you can see, hear, and feel.  I can see my gas gage “Oh boy, it looks like I need to fill up soon, and I don’t get paid until next week.” Hmmm, heart rate rising.  Let’s try something else.  I can see the streetlight has turned green “When did that happen?” Ah, and now I can hear the other drivers honking and swearing as I sit numbly between them and forward motion.  Heart rate rising; rising.  As I take off with a lurch I move to throw the cigarette I have smoked (down to filter by the way) out the window.  Instead what happens is that the damn thing flies back in, as though its motion is led by some sort of witchcraft, and lands squarely in my lap.  Well, now I can feel my flesh burning.  My heart is now the drummer for a heavy metal band, in the middle of a percussion solo, that is about to burst through my rib cage. 

Squealing around the corner (my car also needs new brake pads) I narrowly miss sideswiping an SUV as I am currently engrossed in smothering the smoldering embers in my lap.  I shift the car into park as I pull up front of the school.  Idling there for a couple of minutes (which feel much longer) I practice turning up the edges of the grimace I have stuck on my face into something which resembles more of a smile; I am unsuccessful.  Instead, I trudge through the snow and into the school to be met with the brilliance of 10,000 watts of neon light.  “Seriously?!” I think to myself “How do the children learn in a building that’s so bright I’d wager it can be seen from space?”  I slump over to my committee members, perched around the table like perky little birds, and prepare to spew some inadequate bull shit about how I can’t stay for the meeting, and blah, blah, blah.  Before I get the chance, one of the especially perk moms pipes up,

“Oh no!  You look absolutely awful.”  And then tilts her head to the side with a look on her face like little Jonny just scraped his elbow; concerned but ever so slightly condescending.  It stops me in my tracks.  “How could she know?” I think frantically.  And then I get a peripheral glimpse of myself in the window.  Though this morning I had my hair done at the salon, it has been left a mess from me furiously running my fingers through it.  I also have a light sheen of sweat on my face which, mixed with my slightly wild darting eyes, gives the illusion that I may blow chunks at any moment (which is not so very improbable).  Add to that the fact that I am trembling like the last fall leaf in a good wind storm, and you can imagine the “me” that stood before them. 
“Ye-yeah actually” I mumble as they all lean closer with wide unblinking eyes to hear my tale, “s-sick. M’a gonna go home.”  I manage to get out. 


“Don’t stand too close.” Says one of the more germ phobic perky birds, “With Christmas so close we can’t afford to be getting sick.”  They all look gravely at each other and bob their heads in agreement.  After it being summarily decided that I should miss the meeting and head home to try various tinctures and treatments to aid in the expediency of my return to health, I gracefully (ie: not gracefully) made my exit.  Back out into the clear cold night I trek, with all the stars of the heavens looking down on me.  Briefly I wonder if they are mischievous sprites twinkling with laughter at the pathetic frailty of humanity, or wise old spirits urging us all to keep at it, for the rewards in the end are more than worth it.  Then I let loose the fart I have been holding in, get back in my car, and drive away.